Dear SM
Recently I have formed a small business with some friends of mine who live locally, and one who lives further afield. The business involves us meeting at least once a week to practice our events.
Last week, one of my partners asked for regular money out of our joint account for his travel costs as he lives some forty miles away.
My fellow partners and I refused, as we are still paying off expensive equipment as part of our start-up. As we are not currently earning off this business yet, this proved quite an emotive issue. The partner who reuqested the money stormed off and left us all feeling angry and disgruntled.
I want to contact him and ask him for money for MY expenses as do the other members, but I’m worried that this will sabotage our business before it’s got off the ground and we are still committed to pay off our equiment costs.
B.H.
Dear B.H.
Firstly, I think you made the right decision not to contact your partner straight away while you were angry. We often say things ‘in the heat of the moment’ without thinking through the consequences. I wonder how you think differently about the situation today.
Secondly, I am sure that all the partners involved the the group have the same goal : success of your enterprise. Do you think anger at each other will get you closer or further away from that goal? What approach do you think will bring you more in line with this?
In conflicts and disagreement such as this, it is very easy to have a story about someone as ‘unreasonable’ and letting this story dominate over many other stories that are possible about this partner. Imagine if one instance put you in a certain ‘box’ for months and months, and try as you might, your partners interpreted everything you did from this box. How would that make you feel? I’m guessing it would make you frustrated and angry and you would end up acting in ways consistent with this story, thereby confirming and strengthening their view of you. I’d invite you to think back to other times when co-operation and mutual understanding has been around and think about what approach was taken in these times. This will help you and set the context for your next conversation with your partner. How do you think you’d do things differently with these examples at the forefront of your mind rather than the ‘unreasonable’ story?
Finally, try to see yourself from the outside and see your partner from the inside. How would they have perceived your words and actions? How do you think that impacted on them? What conclusions might it have led them to? What do you think is going on in their life that may have prompted their request? Talk to your partner in a calm, compassionate way about what’s been going on for them outside of your venture and some of the more recent events that led up to the request. It may help re-frame their behaviour and add some context to their situation that may help you move forward.
Good luck and let me know how you get on
S.M
Sparkling Moments Life Coaching 